And now, the Chuck Klosterman Question of the Week, sticking with last week's theme of bodily mutilation:
5. You meet your soul mate. However, there is a catch: Every three years, someone will break both of your soul mate's collarbones with a Crescent wrench, and there is only one way you can stop this from happening: You must swallow a pill that will make every song you hear--for the rest of your life--sound as if it's being performed by the band Alice in Chains. When you hear Creedence Clearwater Revival on the radio, it will sound (to your ears) like it's being played by Alice in Chains. If you see Radiohead live, every one of their tunes will sound like it's being covered by Alice in Chains. When you hear a commercial jingle on TV, it will sound like Alice in Chains; if you sing to yourself in the shower, your voice will sound like deceased Alice vocalist Layne Staley performing a capella (but it will only sound this way to you).
Would you swallow the pill?
8 comments:
Ok, I'm torn: on the one hand, Alice in Chains isn't THAT bad... not good enough to justify every song sounding like them, but there are certainly worse choices. On the other hand, I've broken my collarbone, and it isn't so bad either. It hardly even hurts. Admittedly, I had to wear a strange, bra-like contraption for 6 weeks that pulled my shoulders back, so that the bone could re-set itself. And admittedly this was during high school, so I got a nonstop stream of "Hey look at Joel's training bra" jokes. But that was about the worst of it.
So, being somewhat torn in the matter, I would have to go with the Alice In Chains thing. I just feel like any long-term relationship is going to have its share of difficulties and disagreements, what with houses, children and in-laws to deal with. The last thing I need on top of the "You don't look me in the eyes anymore when we make love" fight is the "My collarbone hurts because your selfish ass doesn't like Alice In Chains" fight. So there it is... Thoughts?
I'm going to have to do some research (aka listen to an Alice in Chains song. I'm drawing a blank). I need to figure out who would be suffering more and by how much. If, say, Alice in Chains is so bad that it would be several times worse than periodically breaking your collarbones, then I'm worried I'd resent my soulmate so badly that it'd ruin everything.
Eh, I'll probably choose the pill.
In the mean time, I'd point out that if I were a woman, I'd choose to have my husband's collar bones broken.
joel, i think ur funny, is what i think.
i also think i'd have to pick the music. i mean, as TERRIBLE as i think alice in chains is, its better than the mere thought of my soulmate's collar being broken because of me. i couldnt live with the guilt..
in addition, the idea of it happening with a wrench is just so terrible that i feel sort of sick thinking about it. imagine that feeling, on top of the guilt.
and see it isn't that im this amazingly romantic or noble person. in fact, it is all about me. it is about the fact that i don't want to feel guilty the rest of my life.
so there we go. you get my answer and my true un-altruistic personality in one quick read.
Alright, so I listened to this 30 second clip. Since I like a fair bit of angry music, I think the pill wouldn't be too painful.
here's the real question: what do we mean by soul mate? If, say, you stick with my initial assumption that soul mate implies a wife to whom I'm happily married (or something or comparable depth and commitment) then of course I choose the pill.
The thing is, "soul mate" can be a much broader term. I doubt fans of the show "Scrubs" would hesitate to call Turk and JD "soul mates." I gotta say that even for a friend that close, you're probably S.O.L. I don't know what you've done or whom you've pissed off to deserve such punishment, but odds are you've probably brought this wrench-nut upon yourself. I'm not taking the fall for your lack of foresight.
The short version of all this is that I'm either "old-fashioned" or "sexist"--depending on your perspective. I feel a much greater sense of duty to protect a girl than I would for a guy, even if they are equally important to me.
(This rule would break down when it came to my children. I'd do whatever it took to protect them, unless they're grown up and live in a manner that sullies the family honor)
Ok, so we all seem to agree on taking the Alice In Chains pill over the prospect of repeated bodily harm to our soul mate. So my follow-up questioon is this: does this apply to any band? As in, could I rephrase the question with a band so awful that you had no choice but to break his/her collarbone? For instance, there are some scream-rock bands out there that make Alice in Chains look like the Beatles. Thoughts? Suggestions of bands so awful they are worse than broken collarbones?
Two things.
Does anyone actually have a crescent wrench? I can't get the pedals off my bike and need one in order to do so.
Secondly, no one is recognizing that this question is not just an issue of how good or bad Alice in Chains is. It is also a question about how much good you miss out on by losing music (or musical diversity) in your life. You think about what music can do for you, how it triggers memories, changes moods, brings thoughts, and think about how much of that you'll lose by only having one band sing everything, good or bad. That's what I'm scared about, losing music.
Also, it very well could have been a way we communicated prior to spoken word, so evolutionarily there may be an argument siding with the crescent wrench.
Anthony:
(a) one, I'm fine with you letting them break my collarbone, if it helps.
(b) I have a crescent wrench, but it's in my car so I can't help you until I'm back @ school.
Everyone:
I'd have to choose the wrench. The concept of a soul mate is so abstract. If it's a woman, there's a definite chance that this person is too perfect for me to even approach when I meet her. And even if she wasn't, it doesn't sound like there's a reverse pill in case she dumps me for some handsome celebrity like Dave Foley or Scott Baio.
Yes, the loss of musical diversity is the main concern, but could be tolerated for certain people. and yes, there are certainly bands out there for which I'd never choose the pill.
I've got a better idea. Why don't I break the collarbones of whomever is trying to put me in this position.
New question please (work is boring)
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